As a psychotherapist who specializes in
emotions, and as a woman with my own
personal history of serial monogamy, I have
come to realize that some men channel their
need for love, intimacy, soothing, care, and
comfort into sexual desire.
Here are some examples:
Dylan wants sex when he feels sad because he
likes the comfort the physical holding provides.
Dylan, like most people, wants to be held when
he is sad. In fact, the need to be held when we
feel sad is biologically programmed into our
brains.
Jonathan wants sex when he’s lonely. He
believes it is weak to let someone know that he
feels lonely and wants company. Alternatively,
he thinks it is acceptable to find and ask for
sex, which satisfies his need for human
connection.
Sexual excitement is a core emotion. And, as we
know from research on emotions, each core
emotion has a “program” that has evolved over
thousands of years for survival purposes. This
“program” causes specific physical sensations
and impulses to arise inside us at the moment
when a particular emotion is triggered.
Sexual excitement is often physically felt as
sensations in the groin area with an impulse to
seek orgasmic release. Sadness, anxiety ,
loneliness, anger, and fear are other emotions
that can combine with sexual excitement. The
mashup of the tender emotions with sexual
excitement is the brilliant way the mind can
make sure core human needs are met in
consciously covert yet culturally acceptable
ways.
Mental health is improved by being in touch
with the full range of our core emotions.
Therefore, it is in our best interest to know
which core emotions are present and driving our
desire for sex. Is it pure sexual excitement? Is it
a need for comfort? Is it a need for connection?
Knowing the culture of masculinity we live in, it
should not come as a surprise that some men
feel they have to sublimate tender and “needy”
feelings into sexual desire. In the documentary
“The Mask We Live In,” filmmaker Jennifer Siebel
Newsom follows boys and young men as they
struggle to stay true to their authentic selves
while negotiating America’s narrow definition of
masculinity. If men and boys could own the full
range of their emotions, not just anger and
sexual excitement, we would see trends in
depression and anxiety decrease. Here’s why:
When we block our core emotions (sadness, fear,
anger) and needs for intimacy (love,
companionship, sharing of feelings, closeness)
men and women develop symptoms including
anxiety, shame, and depression. Symptoms go
away when we become reacquainted with our
core emotions. This first step to wellness comes
from understanding that it is normal for both
men and women to experience sadness, fear,
love, anger, and longing for connection both
sexual and through talking about our thoughts
and feelings with each other. Needs for
affection and love are as “masculine” as needs
for strength, power, and ambition. Emotions are
not for the weak, they are for the human.
Although things are slowly changing, the two
main emotions that are most acceptable for
men to display are still sexual excitement and
anger. The more tender emotions including fear,
sadness, love, need, and longing are still
considered “unmanly” to express. So it is not
surprising that the tender emotions, which have
to be expressed in some way, get bound to
sexuality. In fact, channeling needs for comfort
and soothing into sex is actually a clever
compromise. After all, during sex men can
unabashedly get held, stroked, kissed, hugged,
and loved up all under the acceptable guise of
a very manly act — that of sexual prowess. But
we can do better by helping to change the
culture of masculinity so it is in sync with our
biology.
